Type 2: The Helper

At a Glance

If you are a Two, you probably know what other people need before they do. You walk into a room and immediately sense who is uncomfortable, who is left out, who could use a glass of water or a kind word. This attunement is not a learned skill, it is as involuntary as breathing. At your best, you are genuinely altruistic, emotionally generous, and capable of a warmth that transforms the people around you. At your most stuck, you become possessive, manipulative, and martyred, giving endlessly while denying that you have any needs of your own.

Core Motivation & Fear

The deepest longing of the Two is to be loved, not admired, not appreciated, not thanked, but genuinely, unconditionally loved for who they are. This desire is human and beautiful, but for Twos it is supercharged by a core fear that is its dark mirror: the terror of being unwanted, fundamentally unlovable, and ultimately dispensable. Beneath the warmth and generosity, there is a quiet dread: What if I stop giving, and no one comes looking for me? What if, without my helpfulness, there is no reason for anyone to keep me around?

This fear drives the Two's relentless orientation toward others in ways that are often invisible even to the Two themselves. It is why they volunteer for the extra committee. It is why they know everyone's coffee order. It is why they feel a spike of panic when a close friend seems distant or when a partner needs space. The Two's helping is genuine, they really do care, but it is also a strategy, a way of guaranteeing connection by making themselves essential. The unconscious logic is: if you need me, you cannot leave me. If I anticipate your needs before you voice them, you will see how irreplaceable I am. If I give enough, I will finally earn the love I so desperately want.

The painful truth that Twos must eventually confront is that love earned through service is never quite satisfying, because there is always a nagging question beneath it: Do you love me, or do you love what I do for you? This creates what Riso and Hudson call compulsive giving, helping not from abundance but from the need to secure connection. The Two gives the gift, then watches for the response. They offer help, then monitor whether the help was appreciated enough. Over time, an invisible ledger of emotional debt accumulates: I have given so much, and I deserve to be loved in return. The path of growth involves the terrifying experiment of showing up empty-handed, without favors, without anticipating needs, without performing generosity, and discovering that they were always enough.

The Heart Center Connection

As a Heart Center type, Twos share a fundamental relationship with shame alongside Types Three and Four. The Heart Center is concerned with identity, self-worth, and the question, "Am I lovable?" Each Heart type answers this through a different strategy. Threes earn worth through achievement and performing. Fours seek it through authenticity and emotional depth. Twos earn it through relationship, by becoming so entwined with the needs of others that their value feels assured.

The Two's shame is hidden, often even from themselves. Where Fours sit openly in their shame and Threes outrun it through accomplishment, Twos cover their shame with a warm blanket of helpfulness. The unconscious logic runs: If I am the one who gives, if I am the one who senses what you need and provides it before you ask, then I cannot be shameful, I am good, I am generous, I am loving. This is why criticism of a Two's helpfulness can feel so devastating. You are not just questioning their behavior; you are threatening the very strategy they use to keep shame at bay.

The image management of the Two is subtle and relational. Unlike the Three, who curates a public image of success, the Two curates a relational image, the warm one, the caring one, the person everyone can count on. They may not be conscious of managing this image, but they are often acutely aware of how others perceive their generosity. A Two who is told "you don't have to do that" may feel a pang of anxiety rather than relief, because stopping means risking the exposure of the vulnerable self underneath.

The Heart Center also gives Twos their remarkable emotional intelligence, they genuinely feel what others feel, often before the other person has named it. But their emotional attention is almost entirely directed outward. They can tell you exactly how their partner is feeling but may be genuinely confused when asked how they themselves feel. They may cry at movies, during conversations with friends, at the slightest hint of human tenderness, but these tears are often about others' pain, not their own. The growth work is learning to turn that same perceptive attention inward, to feel their own feelings with the same clarity and tenderness they bring to everyone else's.

Passion, Virtue & Fixation

Every Enneagram type has a passion (the emotional habit that keeps you stuck), a virtue (the quality that emerges in health), and a fixation (the cognitive pattern that reinforces the passion).

• Passion: Pride. For Twos, pride is not the loud, puffed-up variety. It is a subtle inflation, a quiet conviction that they know what others need better than those people know themselves. It shows up as the warm glow of satisfaction when someone says "I don't know what I'd do without you," as the subtle sting when a friend solves a problem without consulting you, as the hidden belief that you are the emotional glue holding your family or friend group together. The pride of being indispensable. It also involves a denial of their own needs, "I don't need anything, I'm fine", which is itself a form of inflation, a subtle claim of emotional superiority. As long as I am the giver and you are the receiver, I am above you in the relational economy. This pride keeps the Two from asking for help, from admitting loneliness, from acknowledging that their giving is not always as selfless as it appears.

• Virtue: Humility. Humility for the Two is not self-deprecation or shrinking. It is the radical honesty of acknowledging their own needs without shame. It is the willingness to say "I need help" and to receive that help without immediately turning around and giving something back. Humility means recognizing that you are loved for who you are, not for what you provide, that you are one person among many, not the indispensable center of every relationship. A humble Two can sit in a room where someone is in pain and resist the urge to fix it, not from coldness, but from the understanding that sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let someone find their own way. Humility also means recognizing that your perception of what others need is not always accurate, that your help is not always wanted, and that the impulse to give is sometimes about your need to be needed rather than the other person's need to receive.

• Fixation: Flattery. This is the cognitive autopilot of the Two: an unconscious strategy of seduction and ingratiation, constantly reading what others want to hear and shaping themselves to become that. It is not necessarily dishonest, most Twos genuinely feel the warmth they express. But the flattery fixation shapes which warmth gets expressed and when. The Two learns to emphasize agreement, to mirror enthusiasm, to make the other person feel special, because making you feel special ensures that you will keep them close. It sounds like: "Oh, I love that too!" (even when they do not), "You're so right!" (even when they disagree), "It's no trouble at all!" (even when it is). The flattery extends inward too: the Two flatters themselves with the story of their own goodness, their selflessness, their indispensability. Over time, this pattern can cause the Two to lose track of who they genuinely are beneath all the adaptations.

The Three Subtypes

Self-Preservation Two: "Privilege" (The Countertype)

The Self-Preservation Two is the countertype, the Two that often does not look like the warm, effusive helper of the stereotype. Where other Twos give overtly and sometimes aggressively, the SP Two seeks to receive care by being endearing, childlike, and appealing. Beatrice Chestnut describes this subtype with the keyword "privilege", they attract support not by actively giving but by being someone that others want to take care of. Think of the person who is charmingly helpless, whose vulnerability draws protectors rather than pushing them into the protector role themselves.

SP Twos are more ambivalent about helping than other Twos. They may feel the pull toward giving but also have a strong, sometimes guilty awareness of their own material needs and desires. They worry about security and comfort but feel ashamed of these worries because they conflict with the Two's self-image as someone who is selfless. This creates an internal tension: I want to be cared for, but wanting things for myself feels selfish. The result is often an indirect strategy, being cute, sweet, or dependent in ways that invite others to offer help without the SP Two having to ask directly.

Because of this more fearful, inward orientation, SP Twos are frequently mistyped. They can look like Sixes, sharing the anxiety, the need for security, and the tendency toward worry. They can also look like Fours, sharing the emotional sensitivity, the feeling of being different, and the more withdrawn quality. What distinguishes them is the underlying motivation: the SP Two is still fundamentally oriented toward earning love through giving, even if their giving is more subtle and their need for reciprocity is more visible than in the other subtypes. Growth for the SP Two involves learning to ask for what they need directly and honestly, without relying on charm or endearingness to get it, and to trust that their security does not depend on making themselves useful.

Social Two: "Ambition"

The Social Two is the power player among Twos, the one who helps strategically, who builds influence through relationships, and who often ends up as the indispensable figure behind the scenes. Naranjo associated this subtype with "ambition", not the overt, competitive ambition of a Three, but a relational ambition. The SO Two climbs not through achievement but through connection. They position themselves next to power, becoming the trusted advisor, the confidant, the indispensable right hand. They are the partner behind the politician, the assistant who runs the entire office, the friend who is somehow always in the inner circle.

What distinguishes the SO Two from other giving types is the scale and strategy of their generosity. SO Twos are not random in their giving, they tend to give in ways that build social capital, create obligation, and establish their importance within a group. This is often unconscious; the SO Two genuinely believes they are being selfless. But the pattern of giving to gain influence is consistent and powerful. They may gravitate toward leadership positions in nonprofits, community organizations, churches, or social clubs, any context where relational generosity translates into social power. Their social intelligence is extraordinary: they understand group dynamics, hierarchies, and emotional currents with a precision that borders on strategic genius.

At their best, SO Twos are extraordinary community builders who bring people together and create real social infrastructure. At their worst, they become manipulative, using their network of favors and relationships as leverage to maintain control. They may feel threatened when someone else offers help or when their position in the group is challenged. Growth for the SO Two involves examining the ways their generosity serves their ambition, releasing the need to be indispensable, and learning that they can belong to a group without needing to be its most important member.

Sexual (One-to-One) Two: "Seduction/Aggression"

The Sexual Two is the most emotionally intense and personally magnetic of the three subtypes. Their energy is focused on attracting and holding the attention of specific individuals. They want to be irresistible, not necessarily in a sexual sense, but in a deep, emotional sense. They want to become the center of your world, the person you cannot stop thinking about, the one whose presence makes everything else fade. Their giving is passionate, targeted, and intense: they do not help everyone; they choose someone and pour themselves into that person with extraordinary focus.

The SX Two's strategy is seduction in the broadest sense, they draw you in through charm, emotional attunement, physical presence, and an almost hypnotic quality of attention. When a SX Two focuses on you, you feel like the only person in the room. This is intoxicating, and it creates a powerful bond. But it can also create dependency. The SX Two may unconsciously cultivate your need for them, making themselves so emotionally central that the relationship becomes difficult to leave. They are the most openly needy of the three subtypes, and their desire for closeness can be overwhelming.

When their seductive strategy does not work, when the desired person is unavailable or indifferent, the SX Two can become aggressive. The softness and charm give way to demands, anger, and an insistence on being loved that can feel controlling. "You owe me your love" is the unspoken logic. This subtype can be confused with Type Eight because of their intensity and willingness to fight for what they want. But where the Eight fights for autonomy and power, the SX Two fights for love and connection. Growth for the SX Two involves learning that love cannot be captured through seduction, that genuine intimacy requires letting go of control, and that being desired is not the same as being loved.

Wings

2w1: "The Servant"

The Two with a One wing combines warmth with principle. This is the Two who helps not just from emotional impulse but from a sense of moral duty, they believe it is the right thing to do, and they hold themselves to strict standards about how that help should be delivered. 2w1s are often drawn to service-oriented careers: social work, teaching, nursing, ministry, nonprofit leadership. They bring both heart and structure to their helping. Their warmth has a steadier, more reserved quality than the 2w3, grounded in values rather than in the desire for admiration.

The shadow of this wing combination is a susceptibility to guilt and self-righteous martyrdom. The One wing's inner critic combines with the Two's fear of being selfish to create a powerful internal voice that says "You are not doing enough, and what you are doing is not good enough." They can become rigid about how help should be given and received, turning their caregiving into a moral framework that leaves no room for their own humanity. 2w1s may also become quietly judgmental of people who do not give as much as they do, keeping a silent ledger of moral superiority. Growth means learning that self-care is not selfish, that imperfect love is still love, and that the guilt they carry is a signal to attend to their own needs, not to give even more.

2w3: "The Host/Hostess"

The Two with a Three wing is warmer, more outgoing, and more socially polished. The Three wing adds charm, ambition, and a concern with image to the Two's natural generosity. 2w3s are often the life of the party, the person who makes everyone feel welcome, who remembers every guest's drink order, who helps with flair and makes it look effortless. Their emotional intelligence is paired with social savvy, making them extraordinarily effective networkers and relationship builders. They expect, and often receive, recognition for their efforts.

The shadow of the 2w3 is a tendency to perform generosity. The Three wing's concern with image can merge with the Two's need to be loved, creating a person who gives partly for how the giving looks. They may need acknowledgment for their helpfulness more than the 2w1 does, and they can become frustrated or resentful when their efforts go unnoticed. The 2w3's identity can become a carefully curated blend of warmth and impressiveness, "I am both loving and admirable", which makes vulnerability feel particularly threatening. If the performance cracks, both the need to be loved and the need to be admired are exposed simultaneously. Growth for the 2w3 involves learning that genuine connection does not require a performance, that they can be loved in their ordinary, unpolished moments, and that the most meaningful relationships are built on authenticity rather than charm.

Growth & Stress Arrows

Growth (Arrow to 4)

When Twos move toward the healthy qualities of Type Four, a profound shift occurs: the attention that has been so relentlessly directed outward toward others finally turns inward. The Two begins to ask, "What do I actually feel?", not what does the situation require, not what does this person need, but what is genuinely happening inside me? This inward turn can feel disorienting, even frightening, for a Two who has built their entire identity around other people. But it is the beginning of genuine emotional depth and authenticity.

Integration to Four gives the Two access to a richer, more nuanced emotional landscape. Instead of the binary experience of "I feel good when you need me" and "I feel anxious when you don't," the Two begins to discover the full spectrum of human emotion within themselves, including sadness, longing, creative impulse, and even healthy anger. They become comfortable with solitude, discovering that being alone is not the same as being unloved. They allow themselves to be vulnerable, to be seen in their incompleteness, to express feelings that are not warm or socially useful.

In practical terms, this might look like a Two who starts journaling for the first time, or who takes a solo trip, or who tells a friend, "I'm not okay right now, and I don't need you to fix it." It looks like a Two who can cry about their own pain rather than only crying in sympathy for someone else's. It looks like creative self-expression, writing, painting, music, that is not aimed at pleasing anyone. It looks like honest conversations that risk conflict rather than conversations designed to keep everyone comfortable. This is the Two coming home to themselves.

Stress (Arrow to 8)

When Twos are under significant stress, they take on the less healthy characteristics of Type Eight. The warm, accommodating exterior cracks, and what emerges is anger, raw, demanding, and often shocking to everyone around them, including the Two themselves. This is the eruption of every unacknowledged need, every suppressed resentment, every silent ledger entry that never got paid. The Two who has been endlessly giving suddenly becomes the person who says, with genuine fury, "After all I've done for you, this is what I get?"

The move to Eight stress looks like aggression, control, and dominance. The Two may become demanding, accusatory, and punishing. They may use their intimate knowledge of other people's emotional vulnerabilities, knowledge gained through years of attentive caregiving, as a weapon. They may become territorial, possessive, and controlling in relationships, insisting on loyalty and reciprocity with a forcefulness that feels entirely unlike their usual warmth. This can be bewildering for the Two's loved ones, who may feel blindsided by the sudden shift from sweetness to hostility.

While this experience is painful, it carries a hidden gift. The anger that surfaces under stress is real, and it is pointing to something important: the Two's needs have been ignored for too long. The challenge is not to suppress the anger again but to learn from it, to understand what the anger is asking for, and to find ways to meet those needs before they build to an explosive point. A Two who can integrate the directness and self-advocacy of the Eight without the aggression becomes remarkably powerful: someone who gives generously and also protects their own boundaries, who loves freely and also says no when they need to.

Levels of Health

Healthy

A healthy Two is one of the most genuinely loving people you will ever encounter. They have done the hard inner work of separating their self-worth from their helpfulness, and their giving comes from a place of real abundance rather than emotional need. They offer care without conditions, without invisible strings, without monitoring whether the gift was received correctly. They can help you without needing you to need them, and they can love you without needing you to be dependent on them. Their altruism is genuine, they give because giving is a natural expression of who they are, not because they are trying to earn something.

Healthy Twos are also deeply in touch with their own emotional life. They know what they feel, they can name what they need, and they can ask for it directly without guilt or manipulation. They have boundaries, kind, firm boundaries that protect their energy and their relationships. They can say "I can't do that right now" without feeling like a bad person. They can sit with someone's pain without absorbing it, and they can celebrate someone's independence without feeling abandoned by it. Being around a healthy Two feels like being in the presence of someone who sees you clearly and loves what they see, not because they need something from you, but because love is simply what flows from them when they are at ease with themselves.

Average

Most Twos spend much of their time at average levels of health, where the giving-to-get pattern is active but not fully conscious. The average Two is warm, attentive, and interpersonally skilled, but their generosity comes with expectations they may not acknowledge. They help, and then they watch. They give, and then they keep score. The emotional ledger is running in the background at all times: I made dinner, I listened to your problems, I rearranged my schedule for you, and now it is your turn to show me that I matter.

At this level, Twos can become possessive of the people they help, territorial about their role as the caregiver, and threatened by anyone who might replace them. They may become intrusive, offering help that was not requested, giving advice that was not asked for, inserting themselves into situations where they are not needed. Their helpfulness can tip into people-pleasing, where they say yes to everything and then feel martyred about the burden they have taken on. The average Two's relationships often have an underlying transactional quality: I give you warmth and care, and in return, you give me love and attention. When this implicit contract is violated, when the Two gives and does not receive in kind, the resentment can be sharp and bewildering. They may express it indirectly through passive-aggression, withdrawal of warmth, or pointed reminders of their sacrifices.

Unhealthy

When a Two's pattern becomes fully entrenched and destructive, the result is a person whose love has become coercive and whose generosity has become a trap. The unhealthy Two's giving is no longer genuine, it is a demand disguised as a gift. They may use emotional manipulation, guilt, and martyrdom to control others: "Look how much I sacrifice for you. You owe me." They may create dependency in others, encouraging helplessness so that they remain indispensable, and then resent the very dependency they have cultivated.

At the most extreme levels, unhealthy Twos may develop psychosomatic illness, their body expressing the needs their mind refuses to acknowledge. The repressed anger, the unmet desires, the decades of self-denial can manifest as physical symptoms that serve a dual purpose: expressing pain they cannot voice directly and eliciting the care they cannot ask for openly. They may feel entitled to the love and devotion of others, regardless of whether it has been freely given. They may rewrite history to cast themselves as the perpetual giver and everyone else as the ungrateful receiver. If you recognize yourself here, please know that professional support can help. The needs underneath the pattern are legitimate, you do deserve love, connection, and care. Learning to meet those needs directly, rather than through the exhausting machinery of compulsive giving, is the path back to the genuine warmth that is your birthright.

In Relationships

In Love

Twos bring extraordinary warmth, attentiveness, and emotional generosity to romantic partnerships. They are the partner who knows your love language and speaks it fluently, who remembers the small things, who makes you feel cherished in ways both grand and mundane. Loving a Two feels like being known in the best sense, seen, cared for, prioritized. They invest deeply in the relationship, often making their partner the center of their emotional world.

The challenge of loving a Two, and of being a Two in love, is the hidden expectations that accompany the giving. The Two may not articulate what they need from the relationship because they are not fully aware of it themselves. Instead, they give, and give, and give, and then feel hurt when the giving is not reciprocated in the way they expected. They can become possessive, jealous, or smothering, not from malice, but from the fear that if they are not needed, they will not be loved. What Twos need from a partner is someone who says, "What do you want?" and waits for a real answer. Someone who gives to the Two without being asked. Someone who loves the Two's whole self, not just the warm, giving self, but the angry self, the selfish self, the scared self that usually stays hidden.

In Friendship

Twos are among the most devoted and attentive friends you can have. They remember birthdays, show up during crises, and make you feel genuinely special. They are the friend who drops everything when you call, who brings food when you are sick, who holds your hand through the hard things and celebrates with genuine delight during the good ones. Their friendships tend to be emotionally rich and deeply personal, Twos prefer a few close, intimate friendships over a wide casual social network.

The difficulty in friendship for Twos is their tendency to over-give and then resent the imbalance. They may take on the role of the constant caregiver, rarely allowing themselves to be the one who is cared for. Over time, this creates an unspoken dynamic where the Two always gives and the friend always receives, and neither party knows how to reverse it. Twos may also struggle with friends who are independent and do not seem to need them, interpreting self-sufficiency as rejection. Growth in friendship means learning to receive without reciprocating immediately, to let friends struggle without rushing to rescue them, and to trust that the friendship will survive even if they show up empty-handed.

At Work

Twos thrive in roles that involve direct human connection: counseling, healthcare, teaching, human resources, hospitality, customer relations, and nonprofit leadership. They bring emotional intelligence, interpersonal warmth, and a genuine desire to support others to any team. They are often the social glue of a workplace, the person who organizes the birthday celebrations, mediates conflicts, and makes the new hire feel welcome on their first day. They are natural mentors, intuitively skilled at seeing potential in others and drawing it out.

Their blind spot at work is a difficulty with boundaries and a tendency to tie their self-worth to their helpfulness. Twos may take on more than their share of emotional labor, burning out because they cannot say no. They may struggle in roles that require impersonal analysis or solitary, heads-down work with no interpersonal dimension. They can also become resentful when their behind-the-scenes relational work goes unrecognized, especially if colleagues who contribute less emotionally receive more credit. The most effective Twos at work are those who have learned to set limits, to distinguish between genuine helpfulness and people-pleasing, and to advocate for their own needs and career advancement with the same energy they bring to supporting everyone else.

Growth Practices

1. Ask yourself "What do I need?" three times a day. Set an alarm if necessary. When the question arises, pause and actually answer it, not what others need from you, not what you should need, but what you genuinely want in that moment. This practice rebuilds the internal circuitry that has been rerouted toward others.

2. Practice receiving without giving back. When someone offers you a compliment, a gift, or help, receive it fully. Say thank you. Do not deflect, minimize, or immediately reciprocate. Just let yourself be the one who receives. Notice what happens in your body, the discomfort is the edge of your growth.

3. Set one boundary per day. Choose one request, preferably a small one, and decline it. You do not need a reason. "I can't do that right now" is a complete sentence. Notice the fear that arises. Notice that the relationship survives.

4. Sit with the feeling of not being needed. When you are not helping anyone, when no one is asking for your time or attention, notice what comes up. Boredom? Anxiety? A gnawing emptiness? This is the raw material of your growth. Stay with it instead of rushing to fill it with another act of service.

5. Track your giving and its hidden expectations. At the end of each day, briefly note what you gave and what you hoped to receive in return. This is not about judging yourself, it is about building awareness of the invisible ledger that shapes your relationships.

6. Spend time alone doing something purely for yourself. Not something productive, not something for someone else, not something that will make you a better helper. Something for your own pleasure: a novel, a bath, a walk with no destination. Let yourself matter to yourself.

7. Name your anger when it arises. Twos often suppress anger because it threatens their image as the loving one. When you feel resentment, frustration, or fury, do not push it down. Name it. Write it down. Tell a trusted friend. Your anger is not a flaw, it is information about unmet needs that deserve attention.

Common Misidentifications

Two vs. Nine: Both Twos and Nines are warm, accommodating, and other-oriented, which makes them easy to confuse. The key difference is energy and motivation. Twos actively move toward people, they initiate contact, offer help, and pursue connection with noticeable energy and intention. Nines merge with others more passively, they accommodate to avoid conflict, but they do not have the Two's drive to be needed or the Two's strategic orientation toward earning love. A Two notices your discomfort and actively intervenes. A Nine notices your discomfort and adjusts themselves to reduce the tension. When frustrated, a Two says, "After all I've done for you." A Nine says nothing and quietly disengages.

Two vs. Seven: Both Twos and Sevens can be upbeat, enthusiastic, and people-oriented, which can create confusion. The difference is the direction of their emotional energy. Twos are oriented toward your experience, they want to know how you feel, what you need, how they can help. Sevens are oriented toward their own experience, they want to feel excited, stimulated, and free. A Two's warmth is relational and focused; a Seven's warmth is expansive and somewhat impersonal. When stressed, a Two becomes possessive and demanding; a Seven becomes scattered and avoidant. Twos fear being unloved; Sevens fear being trapped in pain. A Two's generosity is personal and expects reciprocity; a Seven's generosity is spontaneous and forgets about it the next day.

Where to Go Next

• Explore your wing types: Type 1: The Reformer and Type 3: The Achiever
• Learn about your growth arrow: Type 4: The Individualist
• Understand your stress arrow: Type 8: The Challenger
• Dive deeper into the Heart Center and how shame shapes your experience
• Explore how instinctual subtypes reshape your Two pattern
• Read growth practices for the Heart Center and all types
• See how to connect with a Two in relationships
• Not sure you're a Two? Try the Discovery process

Reflection Prompts

1. When you help someone, what are you hoping to receive in return, even unconsciously? Can you be honest with yourself about the invisible invoice attached to your generosity?

2. What would it feel like to spend an entire day without being useful to anyone? Not as punishment, but as an experiment in simply existing. What feelings arise when you imagine this?

3. Think about the last time you were genuinely angry. What did you do with that anger? Did you express it, or did you convert it into hurt feelings, silent resentment, or redoubled helpfulness?

4. If you could ask for one thing you need right now, from anyone, without worrying about how it would be received, what would it be? What stops you from asking?

5. Who are you when no one needs you? Not who you fear you are, but who you actually are, what do you want, enjoy, and care about when the helping stops?